My name is Keri. I was born in 1969 near the middle of Illinois. My parents were high school sweethearts who are still together today. I was a happy child with a low threshold for emotional expression. This is a wordy way to say I wore my emotions on my sleeve.

I was involved with the church early in life. Neither of my parents are regular church goers, but I began attending regularly at about 5. My life in sports began around the same time. The two would ride an interesting parallel through life.

My father was a football coach. I learned to throw a football before I learned to throw a softball or swing a bat. I used to curl up by his side while he watched game film and prepared for the next game. I was there at practices helping him with equipment and getting water for the guys. These are some of my very favorite memories.

The third great love of my life also manifested around age 5. My mother is an excellent artist. We used to spend long hours drawing together or playing with other media. Today it is called crafting, back then it was just fun. My mother nurtured my creative expression in those formative years. These are also among my very favorite memories.

I stopped putting a greater effort into my grades around grade 6. I found it easy to get passing, above average, grades without studying. Rather than apply extra effort to get perfect grades, I focused on the development of my artistic abilities. All art was appealing to me. My focus around that time was music.

Entering puberty I endured particularly intense emotional distress. I was experiencing feelings I was not emotionally or spiritually equipped to accept. My physical attraction to both sexes was outside socially and religiously accepted norms. Rather than embracing my emotions and standing up to those who may judge, I withdrew and surrendered. From grade 8 through all of high school I outwardly projected an acceptable, while withdrawn, character to the world. Inwardly I was a very different person.

My senior year in high school I reached out to the leader of my church for assistance in dealing with my feelings. I wanted to be normal and did not realize at the time there is no such thing. When I told him about how I felt he quoted Leviticus 18:22, basically telling me it was wrong to feel as I did and to stop it. I was offended to the core that the only help he was offering me after a lifetime in his church was to stop feeling the way I felt. I know now that he was not equipped to do more.

That event was the beginning of my turn away from God. I stopped attending church but continued to believe. I thought I could find another fellowship.

A bicycle accident in the 8th grade hyperextended my left knee about 35 degrees. The damage to my MCL was aggravated by my athletic activities over the next 5 years. Think about a cluster of twisted rubber bands. One of the rubber band strands has a small tear. Over time pulling and twisting the cluster of rubber bands the tear grows larger. Eventually the tear completely severs with a snap. This is what happened to my MCL while playing basketball in college.

I had knee surgery in Spring 1991 to burn off the frayed ligament with a laser. There was not enough damage to justify reconstruction but the pain I was experiencing led to the procedure. My time in rehab for my injury was very introspective. Perhaps I will go into greater detail in a blog post, but the end result was a deep seated need to question my spirituality and significantly increased upper body strength.

In my final year of college I continued to refine my outwardly acceptable self to the world while questioning relationships, purpose, God and self. I began to read as much as I could about other religions and philosophies. I dropped one of my majors to graduate early and made great efforts to take a summer time position away from nearly anyone I knew. I needed a change to allow me more detachment in my search for me.

It was the first summer in many years I did not play softball in some sort of league. I was working as a camp counselor, so I was able to remain fit and still engage in sports. It was just not on a competitive level. While there I met a gorgeous individual who was the waterfront director (head life guard). We began to date and spent a great deal of time together for the next nine months. In December we were engaged and the following August we were wed.

Marriage was both the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. It was a declaration, before God, to love trust and obey. The first nine months or so were wonderful. From there we began a six year spiral that led to enormous levels of self medication and a spiritual disengagement. I also disconnected from sports during this time. By 1997 I was convinced there was no God. I did not think a loving God would allow the two of us to get to a point where we were both so unhappy. In December of 1997 I took the remainder of a bottle of Xanex. 24 pills.

This was a wake up call for me. I was a substance abuser, a functional alcoholic, a border line agoraphobic and a survivor of a suicide attempt. I had hit bottom. It is true what they say about having to hit bottom before attempting to change. I didn’t like where I was in life and set about to get to somewhere healthy. It took some time, but I eventually made the decision to leave my marriage. It was exceptionally hard because my love was deep but in the end I needed to leave. It was best for both of us. On May 28, 1999, my father came to pick me up and I moved out.

Living alone for the first time in 8 years or so was a step in the right direction. The next step was a re-introduction to sports. I jumped back in to softball and volleyball through the recreation department where I lived. My job was in a creative field so I had once again found two pieces of my personal trinity. Creativity and athleticism were again a part of my life. Building blocks would soon fall into place to begin my spiritual renaissance. The love and support of my parents were the foundation this was built on.

During the final years of my marriage I met someone who would become my very best friend. She would be there for me when I recovered from my over dose, when I moved out, as I went into therapy and when the divorce was final. Were it not for her friendship during this rebuilding time for me I would likely not have made it through. We became room mates in Spring of 2000. I was maid of honor at her wedding and love her children as my own. Her involvement in my life has been critical to finding myself.

In the few years directly following my divorce I became close with my best friend’s new husband and several of his friends. Within this circle of fiends there were three of us who bonded tightly. Two at the end of their college careers and me graduating into single womanhood, we spent a lot of time together. Their input and influence in my life at that time had a positive impact on me that still glows today.

I also trusted in the confidence of a therapist for those next few years. With her valued assistance I was able to move past my emotional anxiety and anger. I was used to walking on egg shells, always worried about setting off those around me. This continuous defensive posture left me always questioning the approval of those around me. I was able to better center myself in the world and stop worrying so much about the approval of others. I still struggle with this issue today.

One way I helped cope with the acceptance of those around me was to get back into competitive sports. I had been playing softball and volleyball in a pick up and tournament capacity for a few years. I had the good fortune of getting involved with a team one summer. The following year two friends and I founded our own team. That team is still together today. I was lucky. I got to play four seasons with them. The friends I made along the way are still with me and one in particular was the spark to the next level of growth in my spiritual renaissance.

During this time I left an employer of seven years to strike out on my own and attempt a freelance career in graphic design. I failed miserably. I did not take into account the over saturation of graphic designers in my market. With no sales background and no real avenue to market myself, I basically lived off of savings and worked for a handful of clients for six months. My social activities during this time can best be described as hedonist.

I had tried to date shortly after my separation but it didn’t work out. I pulled myself from social activities until after the divorce was final and even then I did not go out often. When I began to work freelance I no longer had a schedule to stick to. I began to go out and my functional alcoholism reached an apex. My inhibitions were lower than ever and my indiscretions higher. I behaved less than virtuously for about six months.

I had depleted my savings to a point where I needed to find another job to pay my bills. I found an entry level job in a call center, very different than my education and work background. From that position I quickly worked my way up in the company. In less than three years I was an Operations Manager in that call center. It was a perfect fit as it utilized practical thinking skills and analysis. No creativity at all. My personal creative projects have flourished since.

I got in to my second longest relationship with one man during my first four years with the company. During this time I successfully stopped smoking and cut down my drinking to a very high degree. I was focused on getting myself back to a place where I was happy and healthy. I am sorry to say the happiness could not continue in that relationship, but the time I was in it was nice. It was very different for me to be in a relationship where I was honored and adored. I will always appreciate that time for this reason.

The influence of my best friend, her family, my family, my friends and my team mates led me back to a more spiritual place. God had assembled the perfect support cast around me to lift me up from my despair. I had cleaned up the horrible credit from my ruined marriage and purchased a house. I was successful at work, engaged in sports, creating through writing and illustration and happy.

From there I have moved up in my job and moved to Ohio. I have been fortunate enough to discover a women’s league for football and at 42 I played as a rookie. I have made even more strong friends and feel a team comradery like none I have ever known. My bonds with my coach and co-workers add yet another layer of value to my experience and happiness.

Life is not perfect. Just like everyone else I have stressors in love, money, work, family and so on. No matter what comes I know I can make it through. I have great friends, great family and God to help me through. I am forever thankful to you all, both old and new.

I first attended Sunday school and church in 1974. I was saved at a Southern Baptist revival in Springfield, Illinois in the summer of 1982. I was Baptized in 1985 at a church in a small Illinois town. I thought God had turned his back on me because of feelings I had for others. What I learned in time is that he was always with me, even when I swore he didn’t exist. He was holding my hand even when I had given up. He will love me always, as he will love you always. He has sent us countless voices to explain the importance of love and compassion including his only son.

God can change your life.